"Last Call" Episode 34. Saying your sorry is really hard. I mean it's really hard. You are completely putting yourself out in the open with no protection. No walls no place for a soft landing. That however isn't the hardest thing to do in an apology. Far from it. It’s forgiving the person who is apologizing.
When being apologized to there is even more vulnerability. You are having to accept something someone is saying. Understand what they are saying and be able to make a decision quickly based on it. How you respond to the apology can make you even more vulnerable than the person apologizing.
First the apologizer Laura. In this episode, Laura has come to some conclusions about how she has acted and some decisions she has made. It's better for me to just let Lara tell you. "I know you’re furious. I know that what I did was a betrayal, and maybe unforgivable and that you’re probably gonna have to hate me for as long as I’m alive, which … really isn’t seeming like much of a stretch right now. And I know that you don’t want to listen to anything I have to say. So here’s my pitch. Help us anyway. And not because I’m all righteous and looking for you to redeem yourself, or some pure-hearted lady fair who you’re trying to win. Because if this semester has taught me anything it really is that I have no business trying to be righteous. Everything that I’ve ever done to uphold what I think is right has caused so much damage. And I don’t wanna do that anymore. Cause it makes me just like Vordenberg, or like the Dean was. So dead-set on what I think is right that I’m willing to risk anything or anyone for it. And I hope that you know that I never meant to sacrifice Mattie. Or you. So here’s what I believe now. That the best thing that we can do with whatever strength we’re given is to help each other. To be as kind to each other as we can. And right now there are a whole host of people who need our help. And not because they’re human or not, or “good” or not, but, just because they need our help. And so, it doesn’t matter that it breaks my heart that you hate me. It doesn’t matter that you’re going to have to hate me for as long as the Earth is round because … right now, we can do something. We can stop the damage. Help us."
Laura, you have apologized without compromising who she is but I think she is still missing why Carmilla is angry. Laura has apologized for what she has done and explained that she has made mistakes and is paying for those mistakes. The first mistake she admits was asking Carmilla to change who she is instantly and compromise her friendship. The second was feeling righteous and thinking her values mattered more than everyone around her. Her final mistake she admits to was thinking she was right and not listening to others around her (mainly Carmilla). She then goes on to plead with Carmilla to help because she has faith that together no matter what they can fix these mistakes. That's a pretty good apology for someone who is new to relationships. Laura still has a lot to learn especially listening after you have apologized.
Now the forgiver Carmilla. For someone who lost their humanity over 300 years ago and has only just found it recently Carmilla is in a world of hurt. She risked her life because she found the first person she could be honest with and who accepted her. She then completely opens up telling someone she loves what she truly wants only to have that person reject it. She then trusts the person she loves with information that can be used against her best friend but for only her and that trust is completely broken. Ouch, could you blame her for going on a killing spree? I wouldn’t.
Now Carmilla has been listening in the background listening to everything Laura is saying. Now up until this point, Carmilla has been playing chess. She is angry but knows where things are headed expecting Laura to make this grand plea and apology she knows it's coming. She challenges Laura for doubling down. Still angry she says "maybe this isn't a story, Laura. Maybe this is just life. Where there are no heroes. Where sometimes, evil just wins. Full stop. The universe doesn’t care whether you live or die, you just do or don’t. Depending on whether or not you’re strong enough to survive." Now Carmilla is still upset understandable Laura isn't really listening to what she is saying. She angrily cuts out. Now we don't see it but I'm guessing that Carmilla is walking back and forth talking to herself in frustration making that face she did in season one. Essentially saying she is learning her lesson, I love her, but she has hurt me so badly. She is trying to learn from her mistakes, but she is still won't compromise who she is. Then the question. Is she worth it?
Is this young naive girl who drives you completely insane and pushes everyone of your buttons worth it? Yes, then I would rather die with her than be alone without her. Carmilla comes back on the screen and says "Fine! Goddammit, what do you want me to do?"(This is totally the way I would handle this and respond.) But Laura is gone with Perry remaining telling her that Laura doesn't want to talk anymore to her. So Carmilla does the one thing she can do try and help Laura only to be captured by Vordenberg.
Heavy stuff, right. Think I forgot about L and me did yeah. Nope, Laura just had a lot to say and Carmilla had a lot to think about and decisions to make. "I love you. I miss us" was essentially an apology by me to L. It was the start of a really long apology. Once the text was sent I began to explain everything that I had or hadn't done over the past year. I have been constantly trying to make up for the last five years. Sometimes we say we're sorry but nothing really changes the actions that follow is what allows us truly say we are apologizing. The apology has to start verbally but once it is out their the real work begins action needs to take place for the apology to truly work.
Now Valentines Day was about a month ago L and I are not the biggest fans of this holiday. We normally do nothing for it. This year was different I wanted to truly get the point across not to just her but to me that I was sorry and was changing. So I went out for about three weeks taking lunch breaks going to a local jeweler going through catalogs looking for something that said I'm sorry and I love you. I bought the necklace and put it in the drawer next to our bed. I also got her a pair of socks as a smokescreen. So the night is almost over where about to go to sleep and I pull out the necklace. She was quite surprised and loved the gesture. Now L isn't the biggest fan of jewelry but this necklace has meaning behind it made it more special to her and me. I'm sure L and Laura would both have loved the gesture but they probably would have liked the socks better than the necklace, but hey that is who they are.
For L forgiveness of my apology was very very different than any apology up till this point. L's response to the text was "I miss us too." We essentially apologized and forgave each other in this one text. Since then we have both been trying to spend time with each other hold each other more share more intimate moments with each other. Our actions so far have made this apology and forgiveness the hardest and the easiest of our relationship. The start was the easy part the actions have what has been hard but they have been amazing when we can get them. Life continues to get in our way but we are trying to manage it better than we have.
Laura has apologized and Carmilla has forgiven now comes the work. Laura has no idea that Carmilla has forgiven her. Actions are coming. Showing someone you're sorry and showing someone you forgive them takes time and many sacrifices. This is how relationships become long-term relationships. Being able to work through moments and actions like this is a how to succeed. For L and me this has helped us work through many arguments and disagreements. I know there are many more apologies and forgiveness to come but actions sometimes speak louder than words.
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